This is a blog. It’s also a way of me chronicling things in a way that makes room for my need to write but also let others know that they might not be the only one out there. I’ve always been one for making sure that people know it’s not just them. Maybe it’s the only child in me, the lifelong realisation that life can be lonely when you have no one to compare yourself to. I don’t know. I also want something that will make me write. Maybe no one will read this, maybe loads will, maybe just one person will stumble upon this in the middle of the night and they’ll think, ‘Oh, it’s not just me,’ or, ‘Oh, thank god that’s not me.’ Whatever the result, at least it will be here.
I also want to start writing this because I’m potentially embarking upon a change in my life. We’re trying for a baby.
I’m just waiting for people to close the tab because they’re worried it’s one of those blogs. I don’t want it to be. I want this to be honest and experimental and a chronicle of, well, who knows what’s coming. I figure this is a monumental point of my life, whatever happens, and it might be interesting to have it all written down. As someone who is fed up of trying to navigate the millions of acronyms on various forums, I wanted to create something honest and open.
I stopped taking Cerazette two months ago now. After 15 years on the Pill, it’s an odd feeling flying free again, a bit like taking your bra off when you get home, just for a lot longer. We embarked upon trying to conceive straightaway, which probably wasn’t the smartest move as I had no idea what my periods were like. The last time I experienced a true period, Las Ketchup were number one. Yep.
So the last 2 months have been about going, ‘Is this a symptom?’ From boobs that I thought were going to explode to nauseating stomach cramps, I’m wearily schlepping along the tightrope that is the darling fact that early pregnancy and incoming period symptoms are the same.
Waiting to see if you’re pregnant makes you obsessed. Can I usually smell the tree outside? Do my nipples look a little darker? Is a painful little toe on the second Tuesday in April a sign? I’ve clicked on so many blogs and forums and sites, reading up about what, I think, every single woman in the history of the world has experienced. And, after all that reading, the only conclusion seems to be that every woman is different and the only true sign is a missed period.
Well, I’ve, possibly, missed a period. Since coming off the Pill, I’ve had one. I’m now waiting for the second. As soon as it was late, I took a test. In my haste, I took it in the evening despite the suggestions that doing it first thing in the morning was better. Pfft. What did they know? As my husband and I paced around my wee-covered stick, we carefully watched the little window. Is that a faint line? No. We held it up to the light. No. Hmm. Test in the bin, sit and wait.
Now the question is, ‘When to test again?’ Right now, my stomach is cramping and I feel a bit sick, but that could be the, frankly, disgusting amount of hummus that I ate yesterday. The pack suggests taking another in 3 days but the cynic in me thinks that’s just so they can sell more. I’ve been looking at my diary, wondering which day I’d be okay to find out that I was pregnant and still be able to get on with my day. Monday would work. Tuesday has an early start and a overly long meeting to sit through, so not then. Wednesday looks okay, maybe then. Thursday I’m going out for drinks with a friend, I’m not read for making excuses about why, for the first time in my life, I’m not drinking. Friday I’m going to be stuck in a car for 6 hours and will then be away for the weekend. And, of course, my period could rock up at any time in the midst of all this.
Let’s see, shall we?